after GAP, had GAB today. haha. was really fun. talked a lot, or rather listened, and felt good? cos like, i learnt new things! and its so fun to analyse things... but was wondering, were we just enjoying ourselves, did God enjoy as we enjoyed? was our talk really beneficial?

taxi fare was $15! and i reached at 8pm anyway. i shd have like, just took the bus huh? it was such a cause and effect thing. cos i lazy. so i read newspaper after eating and lazed ard. ok. then i left house at like 709pm when meeting starts at 7pm. so i was v angry at myself. at the jam. in the taxi lah. then ended up wasnt a gd testimony. i said "sorry for all the trouble man" the taxi uncle was like "its ok just don't show me your temper" then i got even angrier! i mean i was like, what the?! and he sent me to some secluded area?! den i realised it was kopitiam la. but i was still like. shocked. haix. den ran to church lor.

still like. qt disgusted at myself. sighh. Lord, when will i stop having this defeated attitude, this perpetually-complaining syndrome? this critical spirit? when will i be dwelling in ur presence minute by minute? how to? when will my heart be soft and flow as one with yours? when will it no longer be hardened?

so many qns. and i thought they're unanswerable. like, never. cos i kp failing.

but God pls help me. chg my unwillingness.. my hardened heart.. pull me back.. when i resist, when i give up. help me. help me. cos nobody else can help me.. not even myself..