i realised i really love working with people.. to encourage them, see them happy and become closer, make friends with them and know more about them.. i think the events during this orientation sort of cfmed that i shdnt b doing desk-bound jobs like accountant etc.. think i'll just die, honestly. =)

yeah, you know, its like am i falling back into the world and its glittering lure? its like im cheating myself. i want the best of both worlds. i think i need to find a balance. its not wrong to be involved in sch and everything, but i need to have that quiet time and relationship with God.

its just so difficult. after 4days of orientation, i find myself thinking, i want to go back to the world. to have relationships that don't have a goal, make friends all day long and just buzz ard w/o quieting down.. cheer away.. sigh. its so attractive its soo difficult. how O Lord, am i gonna find a balance? i just love having fun too much!! i need to be disciplined.. =/

on the other hand, so many issues to deal with. if i'll only go thru it myself i can reach out to others. but im sorry i don't think i'm really dealing with it. im just avoiding it. walking away. when bad things happen i say sorry God.. sincerely.. but i don't face up to my past. its just so tedious.. sometimes i wonder, mayb its unneccessary..

but when you turn ur eyes to look on Jesus, whats too tedious for Him? His burden is light, yoke; easy. i just have to commit.. DECIDE. make the choice. use my will. to decide to surrender, to say God i give it all to you. in everything, my rights and my entitlements for You.

but i'm just so stubborn, so headstrong, too independent.. i don't know how to depend on You. i find it so difficult to let go Lord. everythgs so messed up. and You alone, above all, know how messed up things really are..

and i just wanna rest in You. help me do so.