GP is depressing. i realised tt if i do cry, i normally cry over schoolwork. OMGOSH! so dumb. hehhh. ate a lot of junk today, so as usual im feeling very fat. and i missed small grp today, abit sad initially. and then i realised how incredibly SELFISH i am, once again.

mentoring is a lot abt giving my time.. and my dedication and commitment to their lives. and perhaps a part of me doesn't wanna do it cos i tell myself, how precious little time i hv. then i realised how selfish i really am. how i dont wanna spend my time on another's growth. how i've been so inward looking.. how i wanna spend my time improving myself, in my own growth.. i totally miss the point. "love the lord ur God, and love thy neighbour as thyself." i shd be giving my life to do God's work.. to His people.. cos that's what He deserves.. my all. may my life's passion lie where Your heartbeat is.. not in what i want for myself.

all of my ambitions, hopes, and plans.. i surrender these into Your hands.. "for everything in this world - the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does - comes not from the Father but from the world." my dreams for netball.. for hse comm.. perhaps not rightly motivated. its not just for the results alone. everything that i do, do it for the glory of God. may i not boast in anything except in the cross of my Lord.. of His saving grace. boast not in my flesh, not in my achievements, nor intellect, nor personality.. but just in Him. of what He has done for me.. for US!

when i place my life under the scrutiny of the light of God's word.. when i measure it against the plumbline of His Word.. "He brings to light what is hidden in darkness and exposes the motives of men's hearts". and i despair. for there's so much weaknesses.. a lot of sins, of wrong attitudes, wrong motivations, selfishness, stubborness, defiance, disobedience. and i'm humbled and am brought to my knees. and i tremble. as He searches my heart. and sees all the sins which are perversions to Him. i feel like weeping but i don't, because i know repentance is not in the tears you shed. its about the decision you make to walk away from that rottenness. im sorry Lord. "if you confess your sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." and God once again says, my grace is sufficient for your weaknesses. and He again gives me another chance... for His mercy endures forever, His love is from everlasting to everlasting.

and once again, He has proven His faithfulness, as He walks with me through another valley.
may i not take for granted the grace You've given me. hear my cry.. i wanna walk in your ways again. i wanna turn away from my wickedness, i want to stop hearing myself in the chorus of mocking voices. i want to be set apart for you.. help me CHOOSE to be holy.

and as i choose to walk in You, there are prices to be paid. may i not resist from paying the price. though it may mean lesser company, lesser acceptance, cold shoulders, awkward silences, intolerant winces.. may i remember to live out the destiny you hv for me. don't settle for anythg less. i want to dream big for You again o GOD. make me the emptiest vessel a person can be. =)

oh how imperfect i really really am, as much as i would love to think i'm a generally good person. only God can stand what's lying beneath the exterior.

on a very much lighter note.. not very seriously, i think that my dream guy will hv to be someone who will accept my rottenness and still love me. hehehe. that guy has to be reallllly godly man. hahah. to really love me THAT unconditionally. trust in God to provide! yeah! lolx.

in Jesus name.
amen.