was in the bus with shaun, sam-ting, & carmen on the way home today. then we were talking abt whether or not we'll hv rship in vjc. then it was like.. if we want to do really well in sports.. [4 of us are sports players] we won't hv time for any bgr at all. like cos of training and everythg.. ure bound to neglect either ur training or ur partner.

that really set me thinking about my priorities. i havent really made it very clear to myself abt it.. if i did, i'll probably be more focused in what i do.. and probably can start walking the path to achievement. running life's race with passion. directed passion.

right now, where is God on my priority list? how important to me is netball? what do i want to achieve? people perish w/o a vision.

before 1st 3 mths end.. i better start with an end in mind.

fri night! netball farewell. wasn't a big affair but yea it was gd enough. happy to meet up w all e netballers. realised i really miss AHS. my fren commented that "even the air smells different here!" yes i agree.. i thought, its probably the fragrance of Christ. the love of God that hangs in the air in AHS and evident amongst the netballers.. =)

yupp. didnt cry though. think its denial. ha. or perhaps im too thinking rather than feeling. all my partings with ahs i didnt cry. in fact.. all recent partings i encountered i didnt cry.. i dont know. sometimes i wonder does the absence of tears mean anything.. am i that unfeeling?

well.. vjc. actually, a lot of things to think about. a lot of things i've done wrongly. a lot of things to watch out for. if im not careful.. i'll probably lose myself there. this is the time.. when ur values and character get tested. all the standards i've set for myself.. will i abide by them? if having fun means losing ur head.. gosh. its okay to have fun right? but. i need to find that thin line between having fun, and having too much fun until it takes away the focus from God.. and its like impossible, i can't seem to do it.

why is everything in life governed by the rule of balance? makes me think, some religions actually make sense. cld the founders be sincerely wrong? how sad.. how sad it is for those who actually search for answers and don't find it. instead, they come up with the wrong answers.. and believe in the wrong things sincerely. and how much more sad for those who live their lives blinded. who don't think they need answers - just live in the NOW. just think abit more, analyse abit further, and you just realise, oh God, why is the world so, so messed up? why am i only sitting here and watching all these nonsense?

and then you think, you wanna make a difference. but coward, you don't sacrifice, you wanna continue in the folly of your ways. if you would only take the pain, forego ur wants, carry your cross and stand in the gap, the world COULD be different. your friends' lives will be changed by the power of prayer.

and then again you think, if your motivation to carry your cross is because you wanna make a difference for the world, to see your friends helped, thats wrong. because everything, shd b motivated by a relationship with God. it shd start with a basic God relationship. then comes the intercession, the standing in the gap.

and then i wonder, will the questions ever end? each answer leads to another question. i can never stop questioning. and sometimes the questions threaten to overwhelm the answers.

am i the only one with doubts? why does everyone look fine? am i the only one with unbelief? im so.. overwhelmed. disgusted. irritated. angry? yes.. angry i guess. the rottenness beneath all that exterior. from the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks..

what am i trying to do? am i trying to put up a false front in school? or am i really like that? sometimes i act so differently at different times i find myself weird. haha. bobby was like, "denise don't have bgr problems one la." really set me thinking.. i don't share. so maybe people think i'm really as carefree as i look. but if i want them to think that way, then why does it matter to me? why does it gnaw at me when they don't bother to look in and brush past denise and her "non-existent problems"? haha. i don't understand myself.

honestly i freak myself out man. sheesh. haha. and there's the past which keeps coming back. i don't trust anybody enough to tell anyone. have i been deluding myself? where can you find a true human friend? except Jesus Christ? its time to start thinking about it man. i need to start somewhere. alone perhaps, but never w/o Jesus.

i realised i really love working with people.. to encourage them, see them happy and become closer, make friends with them and know more about them.. i think the events during this orientation sort of cfmed that i shdnt b doing desk-bound jobs like accountant etc.. think i'll just die, honestly. =)

yeah, you know, its like am i falling back into the world and its glittering lure? its like im cheating myself. i want the best of both worlds. i think i need to find a balance. its not wrong to be involved in sch and everything, but i need to have that quiet time and relationship with God.

its just so difficult. after 4days of orientation, i find myself thinking, i want to go back to the world. to have relationships that don't have a goal, make friends all day long and just buzz ard w/o quieting down.. cheer away.. sigh. its so attractive its soo difficult. how O Lord, am i gonna find a balance? i just love having fun too much!! i need to be disciplined.. =/

on the other hand, so many issues to deal with. if i'll only go thru it myself i can reach out to others. but im sorry i don't think i'm really dealing with it. im just avoiding it. walking away. when bad things happen i say sorry God.. sincerely.. but i don't face up to my past. its just so tedious.. sometimes i wonder, mayb its unneccessary..

but when you turn ur eyes to look on Jesus, whats too tedious for Him? His burden is light, yoke; easy. i just have to commit.. DECIDE. make the choice. use my will. to decide to surrender, to say God i give it all to you. in everything, my rights and my entitlements for You.

but i'm just so stubborn, so headstrong, too independent.. i don't know how to depend on You. i find it so difficult to let go Lord. everythgs so messed up. and You alone, above all, know how messed up things really are..

and i just wanna rest in You. help me do so.